Over a year ago I went to see my College Principal, who was
acting as my Tutor at the time, and said I needed experience and guidance in
how to tackle pastoral encounters. I am an introvert, so putting me in a room
of strangers with whom I am suppose to talk to kind of doesn’t work (it doesn’t
always work when I’m in a room of people I know). Even if I dare to step out of
the corner I have placed myself in, I struggle to make contact because I really
have no idea what to say. Maybe it is something in my subconscious: a deranged
idea that I have nothing worth saying, or that if I say something no one will
hear me anyway. Who knows, all I know is that I’d rather not be there, as well
as, very oddly, at the same sort of wanting to be there. If I had the power of
invisibility I think I would have it sussed. However, ministry is primarily
about pastoral encounters, so if this is what God has called me to do, then
there is no hiding in the corner anymore or wishing I was invisible. I needed
help to work this through and that is just what I was given.
From day one of my placement, I learnt that this was
something that I was not going to overcome, but like my dyslexia, something
that with time and perseverance I would learn to manage. A year down the line,
walking in to the hall after the morning service isn’t quite as daunting as it
once was. I do still find myself wondering what I do once I have my cup of
coffee in my hand, but have moved towards making my way around the room and
talking to people. Going to visit someone at home or in hospital is another
task I have found very difficult to do. However, with the experiences I have
had and the visits I have made accompanied and unaccompanied over the year,
have given me confidence that this is not something I will never be able to do.
This past week particularly has shown me this, as I have managed to do my first
home visited when I hadn’t even arranged to go and see people. This required me
to be strict with myself and not let the other things that had to be done push
it of the bottom of the ‘to do’ list, I had to fix the time I was going in my
diary, but once done, felt like a massive step forward. I still have a long way
to go, and need to build my confidence in not being scared of silences or
knowing what to ask or how to respond, but I am being to learn this is doable.
Pastoral encounters are not confined to just visiting,
coffee, or shaking hands at the door. They are also occurring in an act of
worship. What is heard may or may not speak to a situation a member of the
congregation finds themselves in. What is offered as worship may or may not
provide the space for an individual to connect with God. Any act of worship must
be constructed in the context of the pastoral concern for the congregation
whilst clearing being focused on what we are about—worshipping God individually
and as a community. This has not been an easy task, especially when preparing
for Sunday morning is not the only thing that has to be achieved in that week.
I know that at times I have lack confidence in what I have prepared and
struggled to pick the right tunes for the right hymns. My lack of confidence at
times has not been without cause, particularly if there has been one area of my
sermon where I grappled with what I’m saying, where the words have not come
together quite right. Having someone else look over what I have written to
either reassure me or point me towards what I’m missing or not quite grasped
has been really beneficial. For a relative novice at sermon writing, having
someone who will critically look at my sermons has not only help my confidence
but has caused me to wrestle more with the theology as well as the exegesis of
texts, and I hope has caused my sermons to improve. However, it is very easy to
get dependent on this and there is not always going to be someone there to do
that for me. This summer, when I have had the time on my own in pastorate I
have had to do the process on my own, which has not been easy with some the
passages the lectionary has offered. It is something, however, I feel I have
successfully achieved, although when you have spent a long time staring at your
own work it is much harder to be objectively critical.
My time at St Columba’s and Fulbourn has been invaluable,
and something that not many of my fellow students at Westminster College
have had the opportunity to do so early in their training. Maybe it is
something that not all of us need to do, but it is something that although it
has been hard work and at times exhausting, I am pleased I have done. It means
that now I am looking forward to my final year and my nine months of
supervision in pastorate, rather than dreading it.
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