A third of the way there

I have survived another term! Term number 4 of 12 is complete, which I guess means that I'm a third of the way to ordination! Gulp!

It does seem a bit strange to say that "I've survived", but some days that is what it feels like. If I'm not battling with Scripture, I seem to be battling with theology or trying to work out exactly who the guy with the beard was who said some when back in the depths of time something that shifted the sand on which the Church stands. I get to the end of the day worrying about whether it was Zwingli or Calvin who liked to eat cream cakes on a Sunday after preaching four three-hour sermons. Once upon a time, well 15 months ago to be a little more accurate, I had a job, a house, heating and a shower. Now I have a vocation, a rented flat, heating which needs supplementing with woolly jumpers and a bath! However, I do still seems to spend the majority of the day doing one of my least favourite activities: reading. (Another battle in my life - words!)

All this paints a rather negative picture, but where I am now is far from negative. The last 15 months has been a hard slog and that wont change. If it starts to get easy I think I might worry more. But not once can I say I have looked back to where I have come from and wished I was back there. Yes, some mornings it would be nice to walk into a warm bathroom and jump into the shower, or it would be nice to be spending the day collecting temperature readings from a potato rather than tying myself in knots over what Paul actually meant when he used the word 'righteousness' in his letter to the Romans. But hopefully one day soon I will again have a bathroom with a radiator and a shower, and really spending the day measuring the temperature of a potato is not nearly as satisfying as even making the tiniest bit of sense out of what Paul was saying about righteousness.

I know I still lack confidence in my own knowledge, that I would still rather sit and say nothing than say something that may be wrong. Every sermon I write, I doubt myself and worry that I may have strayed into some area of heresy which I am completely oblivious to. But I can now stand up in front of a group of people and share some of what I have discovered during the week with some element of confidence (though deep down I am a gibbering wreck). I can even have unscripted moments!

Theological college has changed me and will continue to change me, as will my ministry in the years to come. I can no longer (and at some level no longer want to) hide away in an office in the background. There of course will always be those moments when I wish the ground would open up and swallow me, but I'm learning that is ok. And maybe, just maybe, I am beginning to really make a start on understanding who God wants me to be.